SUMMER OF WELL-BEING WEEK 3
This week our well-being expert is Lina Acosta Sandaal teaching us about Emotional Intelligence. Read her blog below to learn what emotional intelligence is, how to achieve it, and some great ways on how to increase your emotional intelligence day by day!
We all experience positive and negative feelings. Most of us want to protect ourselves from negative experiences and avoid negative emotions. However, every time we tell ourselves that our negative emotion is intolerable, we rob ourselves of an opportunity to develop emotional intelligence and a way of walking through our emotions into taking intentional decisions. Most importantly, neurologists know that we best engage, learn, and make meaningful decisions when we are in a receptive state. A receptive state is when someone feels seen, soothed, secure, and safe. The alternative is a reactive state where we are constantly looking for danger and reacting by fighting, running away or freezing. If we work on our emotional intelligence, we move towards being in a receptive state more times than not. Ask yourself these two questions:
WHAT EMOTIONS DO YOU GUARD YOURSELF FROM FEELING? WHY?
WHAT EMOTION DO YOU TRY TO AVOID FROM FEELING? WHY?
Take the answers to these questions and the next time you feel them, go through the process that I will walk you through next. If you practice handling these emotions with emotional intelligence you will no longer need to “react” to the feeling, and will become more “receptive” to the information these feelings give you.
Emotional Intelligence is being able to:
- •Feel an Emotion
- •Tolerate Emotion
- •Recuperate from Emotion
This is learned by:
- •Naming and labeling emotion
- •Physically experiencing emotion
- •Seeing and empathizing with others (REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT)
Tools to Build and Increase your Emotional Intelligence
FIRST – FEEL THE EMOTION:
- Label the feeling. (“I am scared of this new job hunt. I am embarrassed what my friends will think.”)
- Pause (try 90 seconds) and remind yourself that this emotion is transient and not permanent and no action needs to be taken while experiencing/labeling the feeling.
“It takes less than 90 seconds for an emotion to get triggered, surge chemically through the blood stream, then get flushed out…..anything beyond that is of your own choosing.” —Jill Bolte Taylor (http://www.ted.com/talks/view/lang/en//id/229)
SECOND- TOLERATE EMOTION:
- Narrate to yourself what is happening:
- Describe the feelings in your body.
- Wonder what the feeling reminds you of.
- Check in with expectations or “shoulds” that may be helping you to feel this particular emotion.
- Walk yourself through what happened right before you started feeling this way and how you have walked yourself out of this feeling before.
- Make a choice to breathe, move (i.e. walk, jump or simply pump your fists) or embrace yourself until you feel the emotion begin to pass (placing one hand over you heart and another over your stomach while breathing soothes most people.)
THIRD-RECUPERATE FROM EMOTION:
In the moment:
- Continue to tell the story of “the FEELING event” – this time observe yourself and tell yourself, as if you were a lawyer, the facts of the event.
- Reinforce how you were able to calm down – tell yourself several times what you did to calm down.
Day to Day
- Learn to breathe and calm down, most of us hold our breath more often than we think. Just one deep breath will reboot our neurology. (i.e. Yoga, meditation, Simply Being app)
- Journal or get used to speaking regularly to a close friend/partner about your emotional state allowing yourself time to process and understand your emotions.
- If you find that when you ask yourself “what does this feeling remind me of?” you remember past hurts, you may want to work with someone who can help you understand and know your history and how you make sense of your own emotions as it is influenced by your past history (eg. therapists, personal coach, clergy)
“Anyone can become angry-that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way-that is not easy.” —Aristotle
What’s LOVE got to do with it?
May 1, 2014
…Well, young Skywalker, it has EVERYTHING to do with it!
(Yes, I’m a Star Wars fan!)
“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.” – Marianne Williamson
Yeah, I know, talking about “love” especially in professional settings can feel inappropriate or “soft”. But, is it really? What is love? What does it represent to you?
For me, when I think of people I love (including those I work with), I think about how much I respect them, how much I learn from them, and how much I enjoy being around them. Perhaps they lift up my spirits, or give me tough love and show me how to be a better person and leader. What’s so soft about that?
Now, let’s take a look at fear. What does it represent for you? I fear people because their values are opposite to mine, or they represent what I want to become one day and that vision is scary to me! Of course, fear also represents true danger – situations that put me or those I love at risk in some way.
When we talk about the personal choice we have and can make at any moment, if we pay close attention, we can see how ALL OF OUR CHOICES, whether conscious or not are either based in LOVE or FEAR. If you are practicing your awareness then you can begin to make more choices based in love (or similar emotions, like compassion, caring, appreciation, concern, excitement, joy, synergy, etc.)
Doesn’t love feel better than fear? It does. And, I can tell you that in the world of energy, love resonates very high (attracts/expands) and fear resonates very low (repels/breaks down). It’s very simple, when we choose fear we get stuck and stay stuck. There is no growth, no health, no vision, no risk, and lots of worry and stress!
Let’s play with this a bit. Here’s a scenario some of you may be familiar with:
There is one promotion available in your department and it will be offered to someone from within. Several of your colleagues are also interested in the promotion and are going for it. When you hear this, you can feel excited or scared, challenged or angrily competitive. You can think in your mind… “Wow! Can you imagine if I get it? If they see in me what I’m worth and how I can grow and develop in this role?” You can also think…. “Damn that Sally! I knew she would go for this, that B_ _ _h! She can’t get it. I won’t let her!” Do you sense the love and fear in these thoughts? You should be able to because thoughts and emotions are directly linked. You cannot have one without the other. So, I pose this question to you?
If you could make more conscious choices based in loving thoughts rather than fearful thoughts, how much more joy, peace and success would you feel in every moment?
Here’s a simple request… Just take one day to track all of the decisions you make (or avoid!) —large and/or small—and investigate if they are based in love or fear and how you feel.
You can change your choices and you can shift the fearful ones immediately with awareness and practice. Love is one of fear’s worst enemies! Douse your fear with love! I know you will feel better as a result. If you need to do it privately, that’s allowed too! No one needs to know! Now go do it.
Wishing you a life well led!
Monique
Hello, Margaret! It’s me, Margaret!
April 16, 2014
“Without self-reflection, how is it possible for one to know himself or herself? And if I don’t know myself, how can I lead myself? And if I cannot lead myself, how can I lead others?”
–Harry Kraemer, former CEO of Baxter International
When I think of leadership, both in our careers and in our personal lives, (parent, volunteer, sibling, spouse, etc.) I cannot separate it from awareness. In fact, from my perspective, you cannot lead your life effectively without it. Awareness, or consciousness, must be at the foundation of your leadership, and it begins with self-awareness.
So what does being self-aware look like? At Life Well LED we help individuals know themselves deeply and honor who they are at their core. Through assessments and coaching that reveal amazing discoveries you can SEE and FEEL who you are and how you interact with others in your world. You can define the foundational principals and values that guide you; the beliefs that support your emotions and actions (good and bad), and the unique combination of talents that only you have, and that with proper investment, become strengths that lead you effectively toward the whole-life success you desire. Conversely, you also can shed light on your default tendencies—those habits that can prevent you from achieving that sense of success and purpose that we all crave.
In some ways we understand these things about ourselves, but with the noise and stress of daily life we often operate unconsciously—just going through the motions with little intention, which often results in a lack of energy (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) to be able to get from point A to point B faster and easier…if at all (spinning our wheels endlessly!).
When we are highly aware we also pay attention to how we are perceived—how we operate through the lens of others. Are we as effective as we can be? Are we being the kind of leader that others need and expect of us? Are we others-focused, or are we only caring about ourselves and how we win?
Science and statistics show us the strong link between awareness and leadership. I cover a lot of this in my courses. I love being a scientist of human potential and connection! In fact, Emotional Intelligence (EI) experts, like Daniel Goleman, teach us how EI (EI = Awareness, Expression & Management/Controlling of Emotions) is far more necessary than IQ in powerful and effective leadership. IQ only takes you so far. You can’t build EI without awareness!
The path to being a highly-aware individual and leader is not easy, but it is so worth it! Through awareness you create meaningful connections… with you at your core, with those you work with and lead, with those closest to you, and with your and your team’s goals and mission.
In closing, to help you become more aware of your awareness (LOL!), try this very simple daily strategy:
- Set your timer to go off every hour for one week. If this is too much, try it twice a day—one during lunchtime and once in the evening when you’re winding down from the day.
- When your timer goes off, just take 5 minutes or less (no more than that) to create a short list that answers the following questions:
- “What did I notice about myself in this hour/morning/afternoon?”
- “What did I notice about others?”
- “What did I notice about my environment?”
At first this may be really hard and you won’t come up with much. But as you get used to it, you will realize so much about yourself, others and your environment because you are paying closer attention. You’ll see things you never did before. You’ll have many “hmm’s?” and “aha’s!” You’ll also notice more ways to connect with others and the world around you. We don’t live alone in this world, right? We certainly can’t accomplish much on our own either!
I’d love to hear what you noticed! Please make sure to share below and keep the dialogue moving and growing! Feel free to comment on my Facebook page as well!
Here’s wishing you a day of shock and awe! You’ll see both with this exercise.
For some more fun reading, here’s a great FastCompany article that details some of the benefits of being aware and mindful. Enjoy!
Wishing you a life well led,
Monique
Illumined Life Leadership 