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In her post below, guest blogger Gladys Diaz addresses women who may be interested in creating greater intimacy in their romantic relationships through embracing their feminine essence, by rockin’ it as successful and independent career women, while at the same time allowing themselves to be loved fully and completely.

First, however, she shares some awesome tips for ANYONE who would like to communicate more effectively to create greater intimacy in any kind of relationship!


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Three Steps to Having it ALL in Life and Love!

If there is something I have come to learn as a dating and relationship coach is that there is one fundamental desire held in the heart of each and every human being: The desire to be loved and accepted fully and completely.

In a world where we’re taught that it’s necessary to be independent, self-sufficient, and invincible in order to succeed in our careers and life, in general, it’s also important that we honor our heart’s true desire to love and be loved.

I believe there is nothing more powerful than a woman who embraces her feminine essence and is able to embody both her strength and softness, her power and vulnerability, and what makes her both invincible in her career and simply irresistible in her love life!

Unfortunately, there are some women who believe that they need to choose between having a successful and fulfilling career and being in a loving, intimate relationship.

So what are three steps you can take to ensure that you CAN have it all – the career, the lifestyle, and the love your heart desires?

 

1. Honor your desire to be in a loving relationship.

It’s time to get real with yourself. Yes, you’re strong, successful, and self-made, and none of that changes when you choose to also be loved, desired, and adored! Acknowledging and honoring your desire to share your life with someone is not a sign of weakness, a declaration that you’re unhappy with your life, or a confession to being helpless or “needy” without a partner in your life. It’s simply embracing the desire to share your life – all of it – the happiness, success, and, yes, the sadness and bumps along the road to success – with someone who will stand by, celebrate, and allow you to lean on him or her from time to time. This doesn’t make you weak. It just makes you human!

 

2. Allow your partner to care for and provide for you.

If the hair on the back of your head just stood up, relax! I’m not suggesting that you begin to “dumb down,” act helpless, or pretend you’re incapable of taking care of yourself. You’ve worked hard to get where you are and you deserve all of the success and rewards you’ve earned! However, I am inviting you to step into the wonderful pleasure of knowing that even though you can probably do it all on your own, when you’re in a relationship, you don’t have to!

If you’re in a relationship with a man, for example, it’s important to know that, for men there are usually 3 things that are most important when it comes to the woman they love. They need to know they can provide for, protect, and please you. This isn’t about being “macho” or seeing a woman as incompetent or incapable. The need to want to contribute to a woman’s life gives a man a sense of purpose. And that desire doesn’t make him any “needier” than your desire to be loved makes you “needy.” It’s just the way men are wired. So, if the man you’re with wants to pay for the dinner, let him. If he offers to carry your bag, let him. If he says runs to hold the door open for you, let him. And thank him, because feeling appreciated is another one of his top needs!

The point is that part of being in a partnership means allowing the other person to feel as if he or she is able to contribute to and make a difference for you. When you allow someone to do something for you that makes you happy, you are giving that person the gift of knowing that he or she had something to do with the smile on your face!

 

3. Let your partner see your softer side.

While a woman’s confidence is one of her most attractive attributes (second only to her smile), there is a fine line between being confident and being arrogant. Being confident sends the message that you love and accept who you are. Being arrogant sends the message, “I don’t need anyone… especially you!

Yes, your partner loves knowing that you were able to close the sale, inspire the room of executives to change their minds, and complete the project you’ve been working on for months. Your partner also loves knowing what your hopes and dreams are, what scares you, and how you feel about him or her (especially, the last one).

Being vulnerable can be scary, because you’re trusting someone with your feelings, dreams, and desires. But being vulnerable is necessary for creating love and intimacy in a relationship and the level of intimacy in a relationship is directly related to the amount of vulnerability you bring to it.

Trust that if you’re with a good person (and the signs will be there all along) your partner will not take advantage of your vulnerability. Instead, knowing that you trust him or her with your heart inspires your partner to want to be there for you, to care for you, and to become an even better person. While the person you choose to love may not always be perfect, trust that he or she will do everything to show you how honored they are to love and be loved by you.

Being strong, successful, and powerful is great. As women, we should be proud of the amazing things we are able to accomplish. But a truly successful life means feeling joy and fulfillment in every area – including your love life. And unlike at work, where we have to prove ourselves and earn our place at the top, the beauty of love is that you don’t have to do anything to deserve or earn it. Simply being you – the essence of who you are – is more than enough! So, embrace your feminine essence and allow yourself the joy and infinite pleasure of loving and being loved every day of your life!

 


Gladys Diaz — Summer of Wellbeing

Gladys Diaz, co-founder of Heart’s Desire International, is a dating and relationship coach, author, and speaker whose mission it is to empower every woman on the planet to experience loving and being loved every day of her life. She and her twin sister, Michelle Roza (also known as “The Love Twins”) specialize in guiding professional women around the world to have successful and prosperous careers and extraordinary loving relationships by removing the hidden barriers blocking them from experiencing love and intimacy in relationships and learning the skills that empower them to be invincible in the workplace and absolutely irresistible in their love lives!

 

For more information about Gladys and Heart’s Desire International, please visit http://www.heartsdesireintl.com.

 

Acceptance and Love NOW

August 16, 2012

How simple it is to see that all the worry in the world cannot control the future. How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now. And that there will never be a time when it is not now.
-Gerald Jampolsky

Many times in our lives we all will experience unexpected challenges we must confront. Challenges which can pull us back into the past and keep us there, or have us worry so much about what will be.

Just recently I experienced one “of these” during a very unexpected time. But since I teach people how to find joy and opportunity regardless of what life throws them, I found it serendipitous that I was placed at a resort called “now.” If you know me well you know that I don’t believe in coincidences. Each time I saw that word “now” I was forced to bring myself to the present moment and inquire within, “How can I release the worry that I’m feeling right now? And how can I choose a more productive thought or action now?”

We all know that releasing worry and choosing a new thought is much harder than it seems, especially when the situation feels so heavy. Does it really work? My answer is YES, but you have to be just as dedicated to the emotions and truth of the new thought (or the real, love-based thought) then of the worry itself (false & fear-based).

Some of my “gurus” share these strategies…the very ones I did my very best to employ during this challenging time:

Eckhart Tolle– the king of living in the “now” -tells us that if we are not in the state of either acceptance, enjoyment, or enthusiasm then we are creating suffering for ourselves and others. For many reasons, my only choice in this specific scenario was to be in a mode of acceptance. Tolle states that  “On the surface, acceptance looks like a passive state, but in reality it is active and creative because it brings something entirely new into this world.” In that moment I could not choose joy and I could not choose enthusiasm, but I was very conscious of the situation, the feelings of the individuals involved, and to my part and my choices. I chose to accept the whole kit and caboodle. I truly sat with what was–good or bad.

Byron Katie tells us that suffering is optional. Whenever we experience a stressful feeling- – anything from mild discomfort to intense sorrow, rage, or despair (I went through the entire range!)- – we can be certain that there is a specific thought causing our reaction, whether we are conscious of it or not. When we believe our thoughts instead of what is really true for us, we experience the kinds of emotional distress that is suffering.

Katie’s work goes much deeper and stems from her personal pain. Her work helps us do what Tolle speaks of- –  getting to what really is true. Her experience helps to make concrete the TRUTH that everything (including each and every thought, action, belief, etc.) comes either from LOVE or FEAR. If we consciously choose to be in a state of acceptance and love WHAT IS IN THIS MOMENT even if it is painful, our fear dissipates and what remains is love…love for ourselves, for others, and for whatever life brings. It also allows forgiveness of self and others to manifest, something which is very difficult. Katie says that loving what is becomes as easy and natural as breathing.

Finally, Katie shares her simple, yet powerful inquiry process, which I used during this personal crisis. Here it is:

Deeply question the following about the feeling or thought:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

There is one final powerful step to this process (the turn around), which helps you to take responsibility for your thoughts and really understand their intention, but that would require a much longer post!

Here’s a very brief “on the job” example of using steps 1-4 (with a few enhancements):

Thought: “He is always condescending to me in front of others, and clearly never wants me to advance. I am stuck!”

Ask: Is that true? Really true?

“Well, not always, I guess. Sometimes he can be supportive of my ideas, but I always feel like he will put me down if he has the chance. I guess I also have the choice to leave and not feel stuck.”

Ask: How do I respond when I hear/say that thought?

“I always feel like I have to be defensive; I am really angry for what feels like an eternity. I have seen others act in this way and I don’t want to be this way or be perceived as a difficult person who has to fight all the time.”

Ask: Can you see a reason why to drop the thought?

“Yes. I would like to drop this thought. I guess if I think this way all the time and expect the worst I always will feel defensive, angry, and stuck.”

Ask: Who would you be without the thought?

“I would be more relaxed, happy, and confident in who I am regardless of anyone above or below me.”

Etc…

Try it for yourself with a thought/situation that may be pulling you out of the “now” and into sorrow, worry or pain. Spend time in your own dialogue when answering the questions. You may go back and forth for a bit, after all, Katie calls this process The Work!

How can choosing acceptance and love over fear in the “now” move you forward today?

When you are present in the moment, you break the continuity of your story, of past and future.

Then true intelligence arises, and also love.
-Eckhart Tolle

Show Me A Miracle!

July 9, 2010

This is my final post about Zero Limits and the Hawaiian-born problem solving tool referred to as Self I-Dentity Ho’oponopono. I’ve posted daily this week in an effort to help make clear a process that (without being open to and reading the entire book) can be quite difficult to “get.” As I mentioned in my first post about the book, in order to even begin to understand the potential usefulness of this tool, you must have a good amount of faith and trust in the “unknown.”

I thought it would be effective to close then with a few definitions listed at the end of the book, drafted by Dr. Hew Len.

Here they are:

Ho’oponopono: I am an ancient Hawaiian problem solving process updated for today’s use by Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona Kahuna La pa’au, recognized as a Living Treasure of Hawaii in 1983. I am composed of three elements: repentance, forgiveness, and transmutation. I am a petition initiated by the Conscious Mind to Divine Intelligence to void memories to reestablish Self I-Dentity. I begin with the Conscious Mind.

Repentance: I am the beginning of the Ho’oponopono process initiated by the Conscious Mind as a petition to Divine Intelligence to transmute memories to Void. With me, the Conscious Mind acknowledges its responsibility for the memories replaying problems in its Subconscious Mind, having created, accepted, and accumulated them.

“I AM SORRY.”

Forgiveness: Along with Repentance, I am a petition from the Conscious Mind to Divine Creator to transform memories in the Subconscious Mind to Void. Not only is the Conscious Mind sorrowful, it is also asking Divine Intelligence for forgiveness.

“PLEASE FORGIVE ME.”

Transmutation: Divine Intelligence uses me to neutralize and to release memories to Void in the Subconscious Mind. I am available for use only by Divine Intelligence.

“THANK YOU.”

“I LOVE YOU.”

And, as I’ve already written, when “transmutation” occurs, you are at “zero” and miracles occur.

In closing, nothing speaks more to miracle creation (for me!) than A Course In Miracles (ACIM), which essentially tells us that it is our natural nature to create miracles, but our human error gets in our way. That human error is fear, or expressions of fear, as opposed to love.  In ACIM it speaks to the process of correction (like Ho’oponopono’s problem solving process), which contains these steps:

Know first that this is fear.

Fear arises from lack of love.

The only remedy for lack of love is perfect love.

Perfect love is the Atonement.

See the parallels?


May you send away your fear, and call up your perfect love.

May you see the miraculous being that you are, and always be miracle ready.

May you find your Self I-Dentity.

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

Stay tuned for my next Relaxed Book Club selection. I hope you will join me again. 🙂

Namaste,

Monique

My Relaxed Book Club will discuss selections from books I feel help high-achieving professionals continue to develop themselves and work on their personal leadership leading to more fulfilled, balanced and successful lives and careers.




This month I’m blogging about Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. I’m really enjoying her book, mostly because of the way she really puts herself out there. Connecting with her through her very human experiences is easy to do. I love this excerpt in particular, because it touches upon several things—working on ourselves and not others, learning how to be in a state of non-judgment  (a trait of highly successful people), and not sweating the small stuff.

Here it is…

I had come to understand one critical fact about my happiness project: I couldn’t change anyone else. As tempting as it was to try, I couldn’t lighten the atmosphere of our marriage by bullying Jaime into changing his ways. I could work only on myself. For inspiration, I turned to the twelfth of my Twelve Commandments: ‘There is only love.’

A friend of mine was the source of that commandment. She came up with the phrase when she was considering taking a high-pressure job where she’d be working for a notoriously difficult person. The person handling the process told her, ‘I’m going to be honest with you. John Doe is very effective, but he’s an extremely tough guy to work for. Think hard about whether you want this job.’ My friend really wanted the job, so she decided, ‘there is only love.’ From that moment on, she refused to think critical thoughts about John Doe; she never complained about him behind his back; she wouldn’t even listen to other people criticize him. ‘Don’t your coworkers think you’re a goody-goody?’ I asked. ‘Oh, no’ she said. ‘They all wish they could do the same thing, too. He drives them crazy, but I can honestly say that I like John.

If my friend could do that for her boss, why couldn’t I do it for Jaime? Deep down, I had only love for Jaime—but I was allowing too many petty issues to get in the way. I wasn’t living up to my own standards of behavior, and then, because I felt guilty when I behaved badly, I behaved even worst.

From reading the passage you can assume that this “John Doe” truly is a difficult person, so what exactly did Rubin’s friend do to allow her to totally suspend judgment of her boss? Why couldn’t her co-workers do the same? I’d really love to know! In fact, if I knew her I would ask her:

  • “Why was it okay for you to take a position working for someone you knew was difficult?”
  • “What made it okay?”
  • “What are you doing, exactly, that others are not?”
  • “How are you able to completely ignore John Doe’s behavior and negative actions?”
  • “What have you learned about him that others have not taken the time to learn? How much of a difference has this made to your relationship?”

Her mantra, “There is only love,” definitely seemed to have worked. If you repeated this mantra in your head over and over in the moment someone was upsetting you or pushing your buttons, do you see how it could defuse your anger or aggression? For some people, especially in corporate environments, embracing others with “love” may seem a little mushy. I get it. But, if you bring compassion to the situation (instead of love), perhaps the results would be the same. What do you think?

If you continue to read The Happiness Project you will see how well this mantra, or commandment, works for Rubin. In fact, she decides that giving proofs of love will bring her loads of happiness. So, in closing, I’d like to share a quote by Pierre Reverdy, as Rubin did later in the book, as well as one of my daily inspiration reads from the Daily Kabbalah, which suits this discussion well:

“There is no love; there are only proofs of love. Whatever love I might feel in my heart, others will see only my action.” Pierre Reverdy.


“When we apply resistance in a situation and our opponent throws a bit of time into the space between resistance and reward, the spiritual Light we generate might not shine immediately. This creates the illusion that goodness doesn’t pay. Today, don’t seek an immediate result from your actions. Develop patience. Build your  certainty.”Daily Kabbalah

Give  only proofs of love and suspend judgment: a great recipe for happiness, I believe.

Have a great week. Happy reading.

Monique

My Relaxed Book Club will discuss selections from books I feel help high-achieving professionals continue to develop themselves and work on their personal leadership,leading to more fulfilled, balanced and successful lives and careers.