The day our fish died!
April 23, 2014
![fish bowl[2]](http://lwlblog.fiu.edu/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/fish-bowl2.jpg)
“There is no right reaction. There is only your reaction.”
― Jack Canfield, Chicken Soup for the Soul
Jack Canfield was one of the primary influences in my life when I began my eye-opening journey of awareness and the transition into my career of being a catalyst for individuals to be their best selves and leaders of their lives.
Jack is a no-nonsense businessman and transformational author, teacher and coach. When I dove into his Success Principles book, self-study course and worked with one of his coaches, I came across a simple equation that changed my life. I share this with everyone I teach and coach, and I will share it with you today. It goes like this …
E + R = O
It stands for … EVENT + REACTION = OUTCOME.
Here’s the learning behind this:
- Everything in our life is an EVENT (E) … every conversation, meeting, chance encounter, exercise, meal, etc.
- How we REACT (R) to any event is completely within our control.
- Based on our reaction, an OUTCOME (O) will result.
When we are not aware — operating unconsciously due to habit — we are not pausing (even for a few seconds) to be intentional about the outcome we desire out of all the events in our life.
Here are a few examples of how you can use this equation to help you become more aware and proactive so that you are not living out the victim energy of “All these things happen to me; I have no control!”
- (Event) Your boss walks into your office annoyed and screaming at you. (Your Reaction) You interrupt him/her, in protection mode, and scream right back. (Outcome) The relationship between the two of you is tense and lacking respect. Nothing was accomplished, and you have a knot in your stomach the rest of the week and avoid your boss.
- (Event) You are about to go for your everyday evening run, but you are stopped in your tracks by the president of your neighborhood association who has some important news she must share with you ‘right now’. The conversation lags. (Reaction) You cancel your run. (Outcome) Your goal of running for 20 minutes a day for 30 days is interrupted. And, you were on a roll with your goal! You feel a bit defeated.
- Reflection: If you had a quick moment (just a few seconds!) to confirm for yourself what you wanted the outcome of these ‘events’ to be, how might you have reacted differently?
Here’s a true, simple example of an event that took place recently. After looking back, I could have designed a better reaction and had a more positive outcome:
We purchased our beta fish, Sushi, for our daughter, who is lover of all things living! Sometimes, we call our daughter Snow White because all types of animals love her and flock to her. Sushi lasted much longer than any of us expected, and even though he was my daughter’s fish, I was the one who truly cared for him. We all loved him! So, when I realized one night — right before my daughter’s bedtime — that Sushi had passed, I didn’t even think to stop for a moment before reacting. If I had, I would have known in less than a few seconds that I shouldn’t have said anything at that time, because I knew in my heart how my daughter would react. Well, I screwed it up! The words “Sushi died” flew out of my mouth and my daughter was inconsolable. Our bedtime ritual went up in flames and she wouldn’t even sleep in her bed because of how sad she was. It was heartbreaking for me, her Mommy, who never wants to see her sad. And, none of us got much sleep that night!
Again, this is an example of a simple ‘event’ (not in my daughter’s eyes, however!), but I think you get the picture! I can say with conviction that although I still find myself reacting (we are human after all), for the most part I’m very conscious of what outcomes I desire and I’m able to change my reactions in a moments notice. My life, my health, my self-confidence, my relationships, and my energy are all the better for it!
In this process, it’s important to understand that there is no right or wrong to your reactions and the outcomes. What is powerful about using this equation is that you begin to see and feel the power behind pausing (before reacting unconsciously) and choosing how to react to ensure that you are happy (or more happy) with the outcome.
I encourage you to think about a few examples of events in your life, perhaps this week, that looking back you could have achieved a more positive outcome based on your reaction.
If you have a great example, I’d love for you to share it below. Sharing is caring (and learning)! And, if you know someone who can benefit from today’s blog, I’d love for you to share it with them!
If you want to read more on this topic, here’s a great article on Emotional Agility in the Harvard Business Review.
Wishing you a life well led,
Monique
But, I am proactive, Mom!
April 24, 2010
My Lil' Golfer
My review and implementation (at home) of The Leader in Me continues.
He stumped me! Yes, my son, Jacob. During our first 7 Habits discussion at I-Hop (I figured it would be easier over chocolate chip pancakes!), Jacob claimed he was already perfectly proactive. Part of me (the proud Mom) said, “You go, boy! Be proud of all you do!” And another part of me said, “You must be kidding me! Look at your room!!!” So, strategically, I decided I would keep the conversation very positive, focus on what is working well, and get him to Begin with the End in Mind first (Habit 2). I asked him, “What’s one thing you would absolutely love to achieve this year?” He answered, “Mom, I want to win first place in a golf competition.” Great! We have our first goal. My second question (back to Habit 1: Be Proactive) to him was, “What do you feel you need to do to achieve this goal?” He quickly answered, “Practice more.” Bingo.
In The Leader in Me, A.B. Combs uses a few techniques to keep the Habits ever-present for the children. First, all the children have a leadership role (mail carrier, greeter, safety patrol, critter keeper, etc.), and second, they keep a Data Notebook (3-ring binder) to track their goals and successes and share with students, teachers and parents. Although I am not adopting all of the exact strategies used in the book, I am using the same concepts. Both Nia and Jake picked their first Leadership Roles for home. Of course, I have plenty of roles I could assign to them, but that would defeat the purpose. I let them choose their roles, and I am committed to helping them feel successful and track their successes within their chosen roles.
Nia wants to be the leader of her new tortoise, Coney. So, daily, we’ll coach her on what it means to be a leader for her pet. Jake decided he wants to be the leader of his room. Secretly, I think this means he wants to keep his little sister out of his room (LOL!), but we also will coach him around the power around this role. In fact, I had him observe one area of his room (that drives me crazy…see photo below), and I asked him, “What purpose does this area of your room hold for you?” His smart alec answer… “It holds my stuff.” Yeah…that’s obvious! So, I countered that answer by asking, “Okay, how could it better hold your stuff?” He responds, “Mom, this area of my room doesn’t bother me!” Gosh, he stumped me again! But, I didn’t let him win. Once again I focused on Habit 2 (this one seems to work well for Jake) by asking, “What do you think about making this your Golf Goal Space?” His eyes opened wide and he enthusiastically said, “Yes, Mom, I can already see it!” Okay….I pat myself on the back.
Yikes! Help me!
Instead of Data Books, we liked the idea of having a cork board for each of them in their rooms, where they could read the Habits daily, we (parents) could re-direct them to the Habits as necessary, and they also could post a photo reflecting one or more of their goals as if achieved. So, while Jacob wants to win a competition, Nia decided she wanted a dolphin on her board to reminder her of wanting to scuba dive (like father like daughter!). We’ll be working on those boards over the next week as well as getting Jake’s Golf Goal Space off to a good start.
Nia and I also read a beautiful new book, which nicely reflects Habits 1 and 2 as well as the 8th Habit, which is all about finding your voice and inspiring others to find theirs. The book, titled The Curious Garden, is a simple and beautiful story about a little boy who lives in a big, cold city with lots of big buildings. He finds some weeds growing up through an old, long train track, and decides he will help the plants flourish. Soon, the entire track is filled with beautiful gardens. His work later inspired others in the city to grow gardens, changing the energy of the city altogether. When I asked Nia how the boy was proactive, she said to me “Mom, he helped the garden grow and then other people grew gardens too!” I actually couldn’t believe she got it! I guess you CAN teach a 5-year-old how to be proactive! She loves the new word and is beginning to use it often. Bingo. Next week we will tackle Habits 3 and 4… Put First Things First, and Think Win-Win, while continuing to strengthen the first two.
So, Week 1 of infusing the 7 Habits into our world is feeling positive. In The Leader in Me it is clear that one of the reasons A.B. Combs was so successful is because the teaching of the Habits was ubiquitous. They didn’t teach one habit per month (referred to as character education) or just pick a few activities to initiate during the year. No. The Habits are built into EVERYTHING the school does. It has become the foundation for the school’s culture.
In closing, I’ll leave you with a simple song developed by an A.B. Combs kindergarten teacher to help her students remember Habit 1 (to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star):
Be Proactive Every Day,
Be Proactive, Stop and Think.
Even Though it’s hard to do,
I think you should try it too.
Be Proactive Every Day,
Be Proactive, Stop and Think.
My Relaxed Book Club will discuss selections from books I feel help high-achieving professionals continue to develop themselves and work on their personal leadership leading to more fulfilled, balanced and successful lives and careers.
Illumined Life Leadership 